So Energy

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. The camera’s still in the shop, and even though I don’t have any new pictures to share, there’s been some interesting developments around.

Since returning from the Kukeri festival at the beginning of the month, I’ve been hard at work. I’ve been trying to keep my groups together at the orphanage. I’ve been dealing with this language, dealing with failures personally and professionally. I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly I’ve been doing for the past 8 months (!). It seemed like I hadn’t made any progress with any of the kids in my math and Bulgarian group, my English groups were falling apart, and I was having a hard time reaching some kids with whom I had previously made some good progress. I was called a liar and spit on by a kid after explaining that I can’t work with every child in the orphanage all the time. Eventually I found myself buried under the seemingly sudden avalanche of all these factors. I was sapped of my desire to do much of anything, and contemplated leaving for the first time since being here.

This past week I headed to a seminar in Stara Zagora (a town in southern-central Bulgaria) focused on HIV/AIDS education, human trafficking, and life skills. We spent the better part of our days in a hotel conference room trying to absorb a big amount of information in a small time, aided only by a constant stream of free coffee and cookies. The nights however were a lot of fun, and I’m glad I got to know the town a bit more. I met some b23’s (the group before us, English teachers), who turned out to be great people. Coincidentally we met an American conductor who teaches at UMass who was in town to guest-conduct a performance of Beethoven’s 9th, which we attended and enjoyed greatly (at least I did).

I don’t know when it happened, but at some point during the week I forgot all about all the things that had been plaguing me for a while. For a brief time, at least, I just let it all go and enjoyed myself. I was finally back in the moment. I also made progress on starting some life skills activities I had wanted to do since I got here, and also moved forward with a summer camp idea that I and another volunteer are working on.

Towards the end of the seminar we read some notes that were anonymously sent to each other between the Americans and Bulgarians. For the most part, this was an extremely cheesy exercise. One of the notes, however, really affected me, and I think it will stand as one of the high points of this part of my service.

The note read, “You are so energy!”

I smiled not only at the apparent grammatical mistake, but because it was the first time in a while I had actually felt genuinely good. I felt proud and confident, and for the first time in a while truly and honestly energized and ready to jump back into site. I have ideas again. I have motivation to do them, or at least to try. I am back in the moment, and my perspective has shifted back from one of looking back on my failures so far, to looking forward at the potential in people and things around town.

Being here and in this line of work, it’s easy to focus on the negatives. It gets in your head sometimes… Makes you think twice about reaching out to that kid just one more time, about keeping the groups going or about trying a new activity. It prevents you from venturing out and meeting people, and from developing the relationships with the people you do know. Makes you question if it’s even worth it to stick around. I think it’s why so often you find people here without the desire to start projects, or the energy to try new strategies or activities with kids. Things are not like this all the time, but it’s a pretty noticeable thing most of the time.

I have always considered myself somewhat of an optimist. I’ve often tried to gravitate towards the positives in the face of failure. It was this quality that I’ve relied on so many times in my life to get through the rough patches. Similarly I’ve also tried to help others in stressful times doing the same thing. I’ve always found that this ability has been a constant source of energy. When I first got here, I tried to act as an energizing factor in my town, the Yasli, and at the orphanage by being there for people and pointing out the positives. Somewhere along the line here I lost that.

Sometimes it just takes a simple, tiny note written by a stranger to put you back on the right track.

Until next time...